Talking to a kid who will not talk at dinner
How was school is a closed question wearing an open question's clothes.
Before you start
- Time to try it
- 5 minutes, one evening
- You will need
- A pen, and somewhere the family can see
- You will finish with
- Six questions that work, and one habit that makes them work better.
How was school? is a closed question wearing an open question's clothes. It can be answered with one word, it asks for a summary of seven hours, and it arrives at the exact moment a child has the least energy for summarising anything.
The answer is not to ask harder. It is to ask smaller.
Six questions that tend to work
Each of these is narrow, concrete, and answerable without a summary. Use one, not six. A dinner table that feels like an interview closes faster than one that feels quiet.
- What made you laugh today?
- Who did you sit with at lunch?
- What was the hardest part of the day?
- Did anything surprise you?
- What is something you are looking forward to tomorrow?
- Was anyone kind to you today?
The last one does something the others do not. It asks a child to notice other people's behaviour rather than report on their own, which is a much easier thing to answer honestly.
A child who says nothing at dinner is often not withholding. They are being asked a question too large to start.
The habit that matters more than the questions
Most children do not talk on demand. They talk sideways — in the car, at bedtime, while doing something with their hands, when nobody is looking directly at them.
So the useful habit is not a better dinner question. It is being reliably available during one of those sideways moments. The drive home. The ten minutes after lights out. Standing at the sink together.
Availability means present and unhurried, which mostly means not holding a phone. It is unglamorous and it works better than any question on the list.
Field note
Go first
Answer your own question before you ask it. The hardest part of my day was a meeting that went badly. Children match the register they are given. A parent who only ever asks is conducting an interview; a parent who also answers is having a conversation.
Let silence be an answer
Sometimes the honest answer is that they do not want to talk about it at dinner with everyone listening. Accepting that gracefully — fair enough, I'm around later — is what keeps the door open for the sideways moment when it comes.
Pressing at the table tends to buy one thin answer now and less willingness next time.
What to do this week
Pick two questions from the list and retire how was school. Answer your own question first. Then choose one sideways moment in your day — the car, the sink, bedtime — and be genuinely available in it, with your hands busy and your phone elsewhere.
The questions get you a start. The moment is where the actual conversation happens.